Why the Holidays Trigger Old Emotional Patterns — and How to Break the Cycle (Without Pretending Everything Is Fine)
Why You Feel Both Happy and Heavy Right Now
If the holidays bring up a weird mix of joy, pressure, hope, dread, and emotional exhaustion… you’re not alone.
Many of my individual and couples therapy clients describe this time of year as emotionally confusing. They’re excited for traditions and connection, but also overwhelmed, sad that it will all be over, guilty for enjoying themselves, or worried that if they relax… something bad will happen.
This emotional “double-pull” isn’t a personal flaw. It’s a predictable nervous system response, and it tends to wake up old relational patterns.
Let’s walk through why this happens and how you can break the cycle in a way that feels grounded, gentle, and deeply human.
Why Emotional Intensity Spikes During the Holidays
The holidays create a perfect storm of things that activate our emotional systems:
1. Pressure to “make it magical”. Whether it’s family expectations, cultural pressure, or your own perfectionist parts, there’s a sense that you must perform or get it “right.”
2. Nostalgia + grief. Memories from childhood, past holidays, or people who are no longer here come up fast, sometimes without warning.
3. Comparison and self-judgment. Holiday seasons amplify the “everyone else seems happy” illusion.
4. Disrupted routines. Travel, family gatherings, late nights, and less movement all make emotional regulation harder.
5. Relationship patterns intensify. Whatever pattern you and your partner tend to fall into? It usually tightens this time of year.
How the Pursuer–Withdrawer Cycle Shows Up During the Holidays
As an EFT therapist, I see couples move into this cycle even more quickly around the holidays:
The Pursuer
Tries to make everything special
Asks for closeness, reassurance, attention
Feels anxious when things feel “off”
Pushes for more connection → feels rejected
The Withdrawer
Feels overwhelmed by expectations
Shuts down to stay safe
Avoids conflict or emotion
Pulls back → feels criticized
Both partners are protecting vulnerability… just in different ways. And under holiday pressure? These patterns activate faster and hit harder.
5 Subtle Signs You're in “Holiday Survival Mode”
You might be in survival mode if:
1. You're anticipating disappointment before joy even starts. This is your nervous system bracing.
2. Your internal protector parts are louder. In IFS language: parts show up to keep you from being overwhelmed, hurt, or rejected.
3. Small conflicts feel “big”. A comment about the budget suddenly feels like a threat to the relationship.
4. You’re exhausted even when nothing “big” happened. Emotional labor, sensory overload, and relational pressure drain bandwidth.
5. You're trying to hold everyone else’s emotional experience. Overfunctioners and caretakers feel this the most.
How to Break the Cycle — 10 Minutes at a Time
You don’t need a full lifestyle overhaul. You need pocket-sized regulation and connection.
1. The 2-Minute Morning Reset. Before your feet hit the floor: one deep breath in, long exhale out. Ask: What do I need most today?
2. A “Connection Micro-Moment” with your partner. Try one of these each day:
30-second hug
A gentle forehead touch
“What feels most supportive today?”
A shared laugh, song, or inside joke
3. One “Not This Year” boundary. Pick one thing you simply won’t do this season.
4. Normalize your emotional waves
Instead of: “What’s wrong with me?”
Try: “This makes sense given everything happening.”
5. Repair in the moment. If tension rises, try: “Can we reset? I want to get back on the same team.”
These micro-shifts create huge ripple effects in connection and emotional ease.
You’re Not Broken…You’re Human
If you’re feeling “off,” heavier than usual, or emotionally stretched… that’s your nervous system asking for gentleness, not perfection. The holidays can be beautiful and deeply activating. Both can be true.
If you want personalized, relational support as you move through this season, I’m here. If this resonates and you’re craving more calm, clarity, and connection:
Book a free 15-minute consult
Join my December workshop, launching 12/15: From Roommates To Soulmates: 3 Keys to Emotional Closeness. Designed to help you shift out of survival mode and back into emotional closeness—with yourself and your relationship.
