Why Couples Fight More During the Holidays (and How to Stay Connected This Season)

The holidays are marketed as a magical, cozy, joy-filled time…
And listen, I’ll admit it: I’m a holiday nerd. I love the twinkle lights, the baked goods, the cozy blankets, the whole thing. But as a couples therapist, I also know this season can be one of the most emotionally activating times for relationships.

Even the healthiest couples feel a little more tender, tense, or disconnected this time of year. If that’s been your experience, nothing is wrong with you or your relationship. The holidays simply amplify the emotional patterns already underneath the surface.

Below are the five most common holiday triggers I see in my therapy room and how you can navigate them with more clarity, compassion, and connection this season.

1. Unspoken Expectations

Holidays come with a ton of invisible scripts:
Where you’re celebrating.
How much money you’re spending.
Which family gets priority.
How you’re “supposed to” feel.

Most conflict doesn’t come from the plans themselves, it comes from the assumptions no one says out loud.

Connection Tip: Have a 10-minute check-in and share your top three expectations (and ask what matters most to your partner). Getting clear upfront prevents resentment later.

2. Burnout & Emotional Bandwidth

Between travel, childcare logistics, work deadlines, gift planning, and nonstop social events, the holiday season stretches most people thin. When partners are tired, stressed, or overstimulated, they misread each other’s tone and intentions more easily. Emotional bandwidth shrinks and little things feel bigger.

Connection Tip: Name it before it spirals: “I’m running on fumes today. If I seem off, it’s tiredness, not you.” This reduces misattunements dramatically.

3. Old Family Dynamics Resurfacing

Going “home” can bring up old roles:
The peacekeeper.
The parentified child.
The avoider.
The fixer.
The one who takes care of everyone else.

These parts can get activated the second you walk through a childhood door, and then spill over into your romantic relationship.

Connection Tip: Before seeing family, ask each other: “What tends to come up for you around your family, and how can I support you?” This creates a sense of partnership rather than each of you managing the dynamics alone.

4. Different Needs for Connection

One partner craves cozy togetherness. The other needs downtime, space, or recovery from social overload. Without naming this mismatch, couples fall into protest–withdraw cycles: one pursues connection, the other pulls back, and both feel misunderstood.

Connection Tip: Share your needs for the week: “I’ll need some alone time after your family party,” or “I’d love one night of just us on the couch.” Getting ahead of these differences prevents unnecessary conflict.

5. The Pressure to “Be Happy”

There’s an unspoken cultural script that everything is supposed to feel magical and joyful. When normal stress shows up, couples panic and assume something is wrong. But nothing is wrong, you’re just human. The pressure to perform happiness can make partners disconnect, shut down, or blame each other for not “getting into the spirit.”

Connection Tip: Let the relationship be real, not performative. Try saying: “Let’s give ourselves permission to feel however we actually feel this week.” Relief often follows immediately.

Try This: The 10-Minute Holiday Huddle

If you do nothing else this week, try this tiny but powerful exercise. Sit down with your partner and ask:

• “What are you most looking forward to?”

• “What’s one thing that would help you feel more connected to me this week?”

• “What’s something you’re dreading or feeling anxious about?”

• “What do you need from me so we feel like a team?”

No problem-solving required. Just understanding each other’s inner world can reduce tension and deepen closeness faster than anything else.

If You Want More Tools…

I’m launching a new workshop on 12/15 designed to help couples move into the new year with more clarity, calm, and connection. If the holidays tend to activate your relationship, this workshop will give you the exact tools to reset your dynamic (and stop repeating the same cycle). Details coming soon!