Not Every Criticism Is Valid. Not Every Shutdown Is Harmless.

Last week I posted a reel calling out the classic “I shouldn’t have to ask” dynamic in relationships. The one that sounds like:
“I’m not your mother.”
“I just want you to notice what needs to be done.”
“We’ve been together for 10 years, you should know by now what I need.”

And judging by the response, it definitely struck a chord. Some people felt deeply seen by it, while others felt frustrated, defensive, or misunderstood by it. And that tells me the reel touched something very real.

Because depending on your own relationship history, attachment wounds, and nervous system patterns, you probably watched that reel from one of two very different positions:

the person who has felt exhausted, unseen, and emotionally alone in carrying the mental load

OR

the person who has felt constantly criticized, impossible to please, and like no matter what you do it’s never enough

And here’s the hard part: both experiences can feel deeply true at the same time. This is the part that so many couples miss when they get stuck in these cycles.

The partner saying, “You should already know,” is often not actually asking for mind reading. They’re longing to feel anticipated, considered, like their needs matter enough to be noticed without having to fight for attention or repeatedly ask for help.

But on the other side, the partner receiving that frustration is often not experiencing the moment as, “My partner wants connection.” They’re experiencing it as, “I’m failing again. I can’t get this right. No matter what I do, it’s not enough.”

And then something really important starts happening underneath the surface; both people stop reacting to the actual moment and start reacting to the emotional meaning attached to the moment. The dishes stop being about dishes, and the shutdown stops being about silence.

To one person these moments start meaning:
“I’m alone.”
“I don’t matter.”
“I have to carry everything myself.”

To the other:
“I’m disappointing you.”
“I’m failing.”
“I’m never going to get this right.”

Once those meanings get activated, couples stop responding to what’s happening in the present and start responding to the emotional history attached to it. This is why couples can end up having the same argument over and over while both people walk away feeling completely misunderstood.

And to be clear, that doesn’t mean every criticism is valid, that every withdrawal is harmless, or that one person is always “the problem. Sometimes the protesting partner really is becoming critical, controlling, or reactive. Sometimes the withdrawing partner really is emotionally unavailable or disengaged. But most of the time in couples therapy, I’m not actually looking at who is “right.” I’m trying to understand:
What is each person protecting?
What happens internally for each of them in these moments?
What pain are they trying not to feel?

Because underneath most reactive relationship dynamics are usually two people trying to avoid pain while desperately wanting connection from each other. Most people have been one side of this cycle at some point, and many people have been both.

I’d genuinely love to know:
Did this reel feel validating, frustrating, exposing… or all of the above?