Is This My Trauma or a Relationship That Needs Repair?
One of the most common questions I hear from thoughtful, self-aware clients is this:
“How do I know what’s my stuff… and what actually needs to be healed in the relationship?”
Because you’ve done the work. You’ve reflected, journaled, regulated, maybe even been in therapy for years.
And yet, you still feel lonely.
You’re still triggered by the same fights.
You still feel like closeness depends on you bringing it up.
That confusion can quietly turn into self-blame.
What Is Yours to Work On
There are important pieces of healing that belong to you individually:
Noticing your triggers and patterns
Learning how your nervous system responds to stress
Taking responsibility for how you express anger, fear, or withdrawal
Becoming aware of old attachment wounds that get activated
This work matters. It gives you choice instead of reactivity. But it’s not the whole picture.
What’s Relational (and Can’t Be Healed Alone)
Some pain doesn’t come from your past, it comes from what keeps happening now.
Relational wounds often sound like:
“I don’t feel emotionally seen.”
“Repair never really happens, we just move on.”
“I’m always the one initiating closeness.”
“I calm myself down, but nothing actually changes between us.”
If you’re regulated, self-aware, and still chronically disconnected, that’s not a personal failure. That’s a relationship pattern.
Why Self-Work Alone Can Start to Backfire
When everything gets framed as “your stuff,” people often:
Over-own problems that require two people
Suppress needs to avoid being “too much”
Mistake endurance for emotional maturity
Confuse self-regulation with self-abandonment
Growth without relational repair doesn’t create closeness; it creates distance that looks calm on the outside and lonely on the inside.
So How Do You Tell the Difference?
A simple litmus test:
If insight helps, but nothing changes between you → it’s relational.
If you’re doing most of the adjusting, initiating, and repairing → it’s relational.
If your nervous system settles but your heart still feels alone → it’s relational.
Some wounds were created in relationship. Some healing has to happen there too.
What Actually Helps
Not fixing yourself. Not trying harder. Not explaining your needs better.
What helps is:
Understanding the pattern you’re both stuck in
Creating emotional safety between you
Practicing repair together, not alone
If you’ve been wondering whether what you’re feeling is “your stuff” or something deeper in the relationship, you’re not doing anything wrong by asking that question. It’s a wise question.
Self-reflection is important. Accountability matters. And so does naming when pain lives between two people, not just inside one.
Sometimes the next step isn’t more insight or effort. It’s simply allowing the possibility that healing doesn’t have to be solitary. And that in itself can be a relief.
