Are You the Pursuer or the Withdrawer? Understanding the Most Common Relationship Pattern
You love each other — so why does it feel like you’re on opposite teams?
Many couples fall into a pattern where one partner pushes for connection while the other pulls away. Over time, this dynamic can feel exhausting, lonely, and impossible to solve.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), this is known as the pursuer–withdrawer cycle, and it’s one of the most common patterns couples experience. Importantly, neither partner is the problem. The cycle is.
The Pursuer
The pursuer moves toward conflict and connection. They might:
Ask lots of questions
Bring issues up repeatedly
Seek reassurance
Express frustration or criticism
Feel panicked when things feel distant
Want resolution now
Underneath the intensity is usually a deep fear:
“I’m going to lose you.”
“I don’t matter to you.”
“Please don’t leave me alone.”
What often looks like nagging or criticism is actually a protest for connection.
The Withdrawer
The withdrawer moves away from conflict to protect themselves. They might:
Shut down or go quiet
Need space to think
Avoid difficult conversations
Change the subject
Become defensive or minimize
Leave the room
Feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity
Underneath withdrawal is often another fear:
“I can’t get this right.”
“I’m going to fail you.”
“If this keeps escalating, everything will fall apart.”
Withdrawal isn’t indifference, it’s self-protection.
How the Cycle Feeds Itself
The more one partner pursues…➡️ the more the other withdraws.
The more one withdraws…➡️ the more the other pursues.
Both partners end up feeling:
Misunderstood
Unappreciated
Alone
Defensive
Hopeless
And the original issue often never gets resolved.
Why This Pattern Hurts So Much
Because both partners are actually trying, just in opposite ways. The pursuer is fighting for connection. The withdrawer is fighting to keep things from getting worse. Neither strategy works long-term, but both come from a desire to protect the relationship.
Breaking the Pattern Starts with Understanding
Real change doesn’t happen by forcing one partner to “just communicate better” or the other to “stop being so sensitive.” It happens when both partners begin to see:
What’s underneath the reactions
How the cycle takes over
That they are not enemies
With the right support, couples can move from: Pursue ↔ Withdraw → Reach ↔ Respond
If you recognize your relationship in this pattern, you’re not broken; you’re stuck in a cycle that many couples experience.
Couples therapy can help you slow the pattern down, understand what’s driving it, and learn how to reconnect in ways that feel safe for both partners.
If you’re in Maine and looking for support, I offer attachment-focused couples therapy designed to help partners move from conflict to connection.
