Contempt in Relationships: What It Looks Like, Where It Comes From, and How to Heal
Contempt is one of the most corrosive forces in a romantic relationship. Often subtle at first, it can quietly erode trust, connection, and respect until the bond between partners feels beyond repair. Understanding what contempt looks like, why it’s so damaging, and how to address it can help couples protect — or rebuild — the foundation of their relationship.
What Is Contempt in a Relationship?
In relationships, contempt is more than just frustration or disagreement — it’s a sense of superiority or disdain toward your partner. It communicates, “I’m better than you,” and it often carries an edge of judgment, sarcasm, or outright disrespect. Unlike anger, which can sometimes fuel problem-solving, contempt tends to shut down connection and breed defensiveness.
Signs of Contempt to Watch For
Contempt can show up in verbal and non-verbal ways. Common examples include:
Sarcasm or mocking your partner
Eye-rolling or scoffing during conversations
Name-calling or belittling remarks
Hostile humor aimed at your partner’s flaws
Dismissive tone when they express feelings
Bringing up past mistakes to score points
Even when not loud or obvious, these behaviors send a clear signal: “You’re not worth listening to.”
Where Contempt Comes From
Contempt often grows slowly over time, fed by unresolved conflict, chronic resentment, or unmet needs. Common roots include:
Long-standing unresolved issues where partners feel unheard or dismissed
Power imbalances that leave one partner feeling morally or intellectually superior
Unspoken expectations that go unmet for years
Negative communication patterns such as criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (the other “Four Horsemen” identified by Dr. John Gottman)
Built-up resentment from repeated disappointments
When emotional safety is missing, partners may shift from frustration (“I’m upset about what you did”) to contempt (“There’s something wrong with you”).
Why Contempt Is So Damaging
Research shows contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. It’s toxic for a few key reasons:
It attacks your partner’s sense of worth. Contempt doesn’t just address a behavior — it questions the person’s value.
It shuts down communication. The more contempt enters the conversation, the less likely partners are to feel safe enough to open up.
It erodes trust and intimacy. Emotional closeness can’t thrive where one person feels belittled or looked down upon.
It fuels the negative cycle. Contempt often triggers defensiveness or withdrawal, creating more distance and disconnection.
How to Address Contempt in Your Relationship
The good news: contempt can be repaired when both partners are willing to work on it.
1. Recognize and Name It
Pay attention to the tone, facial expressions, and word choices you use — and notice when contempt shows up. Awareness is the first step.
2. Shift from Judgment to Curiosity
Instead of attacking your partner’s character, focus on understanding their perspective. Ask open-ended questions and listen actively.
3. Replace Criticism with Specific Requests
Rather than “You never help around here,” try “I’d really appreciate it if you could do the dishes tonight.”
4. Address Resentment Early
Don’t let small frustrations pile up into bitterness. Schedule regular check-ins to talk about issues before they escalate.
5. Rebuild Positive Interactions
Intentionally share appreciation, affection, and humor (the warm kind). Positive moments help buffer against negativity.
6. Consider Couples Therapy
A trained therapist can help you and your partner uncover the roots of contempt and build healthier communication patterns.
Final Thoughts
Contempt may be one of the most dangerous toxins in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be the final word. By noticing it early, addressing its roots, and making intentional changes in how you communicate, you can restore respect and closeness — and protect your relationship for the long haul.
If you’re struggling with contempt in your relationship, know that you’re not alone — and help is available. At Kraft Psychotherapy, I work with couples to break painful patterns, rebuild trust, and strengthen connection. Reach out today to start your journey toward a healthier partnership.
